Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
