a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
