I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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