So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
