i permit you to call me
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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