Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
