so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
