matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
A+ Viking dick
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