So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
