So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
