I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
