What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
