I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
