Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
