Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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