I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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