No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
