i permit you to call me
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
