My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
