I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize