and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
