he puts the penis in happiness.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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