I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
