Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
