If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
