Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
