it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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