I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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