Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
