Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
