BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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