highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
