You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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