I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My nipple is on Facebook.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
