Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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