Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
