i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
