Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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