i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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