I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
