i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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