Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize