Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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