My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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