It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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