i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
