when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
