Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I need a beard to bite.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
