I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
