Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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