Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I don't deserve a penis
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize