youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
