Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
its liver damage thursday
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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