Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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