This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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