So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
