Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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