Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
