Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
from now on my penis is your penis
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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