Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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