Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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