I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
