I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
