I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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