i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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