New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
